Stuff the Ballot Box for Patrick Helmes

Among my weekend rituals is the viewing of ARD’s Sportschau. ..unless saying so is somehow admitting to participating in activity that is legally frowned-upon, in which case, I have never heard of the show.

A regular feature of the weekly football highlights show is the revealing of “Goal of the Month” nominees. Theoretically, the matter is to be decided by viewers, but I’m going to tell you right here and now that you needn’t view the show to vote.

Hell, you needn’t even see all the goals to vote.

However, I will share with you some poor-quality video of the goal scored by 1. FC Köln’s very own Patrick Helmes in the match against Dynamo Dresen which is among the five nominees for the final “Goal of the Month” election of 2013.

I think the audio is in Russian or a related language. You can thank the ridiculous policy of ruling bodies to keep their sports content under tight lock and key, rather than let the popularity of the game be easily spread about the internet by fans willing to promote their brand at absolutely NO cost to those who would ultimately reap the benefit.

Pretty sweet, yeah?

The other four nominees are hardly worth your time. It is notable that Maxi Beister managed to stay on his feet long enough to actually score against our beloved Effzeh in the DFB-Cup match which saw Hamburg survive the upset bid of 1. FC Köln. The guy seems to have gravity issues in that he falls down a LOT, especially when opposing players are anywhere near him.

But, let’s not vote for him just because he is overcoming some physical limitations. He should be judged the same as all.

The other nominee from a first-division side, Juan Arango, wears short socks.

Would you feel good voting for a guy who wears short socks during a soccer match?

Didn’t think so. That just looks goofy.

As for Marc Lorenz and Fin Bartels . . . well, I’m certain they’re swell guys and that they scored great goals, but they don’t quite reach the level of the volley Helmes smoked past Rene Adler in cup competition.

You can trust me and my complete ability to not be biased in this matter.

So, head to the ballot and select “Tor 3” to vote for Helmes.

You will need to fill the boxes to vote. They go as follows:

Street Address
Zip Code  – City
Email Address

Don’t worry about the email address. I’ve never received a single bit of mail from ARD from voting on this.

As you might guess, I often vote on this.

Now, the last box (to the right of the ‘abschicken’ button which is for sending) is a bit tricky, but just enough to fool a spambot. Even so, it does require a slight amount of work if you do not read German and/or have little knowledge that the average German would consider fairly basic.

Highlight the bold type, copy it, and then paste it into Google Translate.

What you need is to find the answer to that question and type it, in German, in the box. I realize this sounds like a pain in the ass, but…it won’t take but a minute.

Plus, you might win a Dacia Duster!

Okay, you’re probably not eligible to win the Dacia Duster.

You AREe eligible for celebrating when we propel Patrick Helmes into the winners circle. That’s nearly as good as a new compact SUV, I think.

So, thanks for reading, not only here but in general. I’ve had consecutive days with enough hits to have new all-time busiest days for the site. Keep this up and I’m certain a cushy football-watching job offer from Germany will be on its way any time now.

First Kölsch on me when that happens!

Okay…now I know I’ve convinced you to not vote for the others, so you’re good to look at these.

Listen to that awful goal music for HSV. Pathetic . . .



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